More Couples Sleeping Apart: Is This Healthy?

• by Healthy SELF, SELF Magazine, on Wed Jul 28, 2010 8:08am PDT

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By Jenny Everett, SELF magazine

A recent article in The New York Times points out the trend of more and more couples sleeping in separate rooms. Nearly one in four American couples does so and, according the National Association of Home Builders, it's expected that 60 percent of custom homes will have dual master bedrooms by 2015.

This got us thinking: Is this a healthy trend? I mean, sure, occasionally we think we'd get a better night's sleep with a wall (or two) between us and our snoring, TV-watching, sheet-hogging Sig O. But would our relationship suffer?

To get to the bottom of it, we asked Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (a.k.a. Dr. Romance), psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex, and Kids: Stops Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, for her take:

"Sleeping apart can contribute to the disconnect that plagues many relationships," Tessina says. "It just makes it easier to avoid each other, when what's really needed is connection and contact. There are solutions to snoring and restlessness -- a memory foam mattress will stop restlessness from being felt by a partner and snoring can be helped in a number of ways."

A bit more motivation to sleep in the same bed:

* Your man may get a better night's sleep when you're with him. In a study published in the journal Sleep and Biological Rhythms, researchers found that while women slept less soundly when they shared a bed with someone they're romantically involved with, men actually slept better when next to a woman. Work out whatever issues you have with his sleeping habits and you both might get some high-quality shut-eye.

* Bedtime isn't always for sleep, if you catch our drift. It's also prime for intimacy: snuggling and sex. This private time is crucial, especially if you have kiddies (a.k.a. nookie police). Sure you could meet him in "his" room, get it on, then flee back to "your" room. But then sex becomes a scheduled chore rather than an organic, meaningful, spontaneous activity.

* Nighttime, while you're side by side, is one of the best times to communicate with each other. Between work and other responsibilities, you only have small snippets of uninterrupted time to communicate during the day. With the door shut (and iPhones snuggled into their charging stations), between the sheets is the place where you can truly talk about what's on your mind, without interruption by kid, dog, phone, cable guy, etc. "Cuddling up together and talking quietly is a great perk of married life," says Tessina. "Couples who know how to do that, and do it regularly, fare better than couples who don't."

Bottom line: Try to solve whatever sleep incompatibility issues exist between you and your partner before fleeing for the guest room.

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"Love" is individual, alive, never-ending; even when it turns dark or distance. And darkness can be enjoyed and brought back into the light. And it's more than the physical, more than the emotion, there is spirit binding the both, uplifting them both to bliss. Even "perpetual bliss" as Faith Hill might sing.

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Get your face in there and let your tongue do the your lovin'.

--Neale Sourna

---

How many of us actually learned sex from a sex professional?

Most of us, and our parents, too, learned sexual "health"--lots of scary picture of syphilis we HAD to look at--from a gym teacher doing double duty in health class; or from some amateur lover a little farther ahead in the game, or more willing to experiment.

Most of us definitely didn't have a professional whore or pimp or sex therapist in that health class. And it definitely wasn't called sex class, at all. I am, however, a professional writer in the sex and relations field, if getting paid counts.

I believe that help should be more interesting than obvious, which is why I don't usually do nonfiction. But all love and lovemaking are a bit in the fiction field, though, aren't they?

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Olympians and people you know, who can sing and dance wonderfully, may never have had full training or school learnin' or have been given a record deal, or a certificate for their wall that states that they are a "Sex Expert."

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book" or were sanctioned by some outside sanctioning group;
but now have nothing new or fresh to add...[more

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Plus, 56 % of these married women still believed the old beehive and stiletto heels time's sexual propaganda that some women, many women are frigid, intentionally and stubbornly so, which was a standard 1950s-60s Cold War way to batter a woman, whether wife or passing partner, not sexually interested or satisfied, but unknowing how to correct it.

That "real women" aren't interested in sex, "only sluts."

Not realizing real, sweet and loving women were and are interested, but that the love her lover was making, is making to her or with her was ignorant, or inadequate to the task.

It was pleasure for everyone in the room, but her. [more

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