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An Open Letter To Porn
last modified:Tue Nov 23 12:02:12 2004

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An Open Letter To Porn
Reply to: anon-50001396@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Nov 23 12:01:32 2004


Dear Porn,

Hi there, how are you doing? It seems to me like
you're thriving - you're a multi-billion-dollar
worldwide industry and there's more of you out there
every day, in new forms, with new perversions,
expanding into more markets all the time. Your mother
must be so proud.

Don't worry about not recognizing me - you don't know
me, but we actually have a long history together. I
won't go into the full story, but just let me say that
I've done some crazy shit for you, stuff that I'm not
entirely proud of...but that's not to say that you
didn't reciprocate, of course. I mean, you completely
changed my life three times - first, when I discovered
masturbation, second, when I got a TV and VCR in my
own room, and third, when I discovered that I could
find you on the internet. Mind-blowing stuff...and now
that I'm living by myself and am currently single, I
can see you any time I want for as long as I want.
This is like our Golden Age together, except for one
slight problem. I didn't notice it at first, but as we
spent more and more time together it became pretty
obvious.

You suck, dude.

And I'm not trying to make some sort of cute pun here
- you really do suck. You're awful, horrible, poorly
made, and I can think of a whole list of huge problems
that you have.

First off, you don't make any fucking sense. I mean,
have you ever sat down and actually tried to watch one
of your "features" straight through? If your plot
isn't some needlessly complicated, convoluted mishmash
of nightmarish editing, it's so utterly simple that
non-sex scenes consist of little more than "Hey, we
know each other, let's fuck." I realize that creating
plausible situations for characters to have sex while
only having 5-minute bursts of plot in which to do it
in is difficult, but with that in mind, why bother?
There are fewer people that watch a movie of you for
the plot than read Playboy for the articles (if that's
even possible).

Next, let's talk direction. Do any of the people who
direct you have any clue what in hell they're doing?
Here's just a few of the egregious errors most
directors make:

1) The Extended Close-up: You know, this may surprise
you, but anyone who's watched you for more than five
minutes knows exactly what a penis going in and out of
a vagina looks like. Especially when it's a close-up
shot, where all you can see is pussy, cock, and pubic
hair (except when it's a doggy-style shot, where all
you can see is pussy, cock, balls, pubic hair, and a
pair of asses). And do you know exactly what a
close-up shot of a penis going in and out of a vagina
looks like?

EVERY OTHER SINGLE FUCKING CLOSE-UP SHOT OF A PENIS
GOING IN AND OUT OF A VAGINA THAT HAS EVER BEEN
COMMITTED TO FILM IN HUMAN HISTORY, THAT'S WHAT! Okay?
Do you get it now? We've seen it, and we've seen it a
million times, and it never looks any different! It's
not like you can even tell who's actually doing the
fucking just by looking at the close-up, like some
warped version of "Name That Tune" - so why do you
feel the need to spend 45 seconds out of every minute
showing it to us? Could we please actually see what's
going on in the rest of the scene, and maybe show some
breasts or, god forbid, the woman's face, for once?

2) The Guy Shot: Now what the hell is the point of
this? Go out on the street and randomly poll people -
99% of them are going to tell you that women are
better looking than men, and 100% of them are going to
say that female porn stars are better looking than
male porn stars (Ron Jeremy is smart and funny and
all, but let's admit it, dude is fucking ugly). So why
the hell do you randomly, all of a sudden, switch to a
shot of either just the guy's face or just the guy's
upper body or something for 30 seconds? Most guys in
porn don't bother acting while they're fucking anyway,
so all you really get is 30 seconds of not showing
anything remotely interesting. And do you know how
much it sucks to be jerking off, start to come, and
then get stuck with a Guy Shot? You know it's too late
and there's nothing you can do about it, but you'd
rather be doing anything else than coming at that
particular moment. (The nearest equivalent I can think
of is prepping a launch of a missile, pressing the
fire button, and all of a sudden realizing you've just
launched it at your own house.)

3) The Acting: Can this get any worse? It's bad enough
that the acting during the plot segments is wooden at
best, but then when you get to the sex scenes
themselves, it stays universally awful. First, there's
girls who break the fourth wall and look at the camera
when the cameraman isn't part of the scene. Girls, if
you're in control enough to look all sultry at the
camera, we can tell you're bullshitting. Secondly,
girls, don't continue moaning after the guy has pulled
out and is jerking off above you. Nobody is
stimulating you in any way - who the hell do you think
you're fooling? Thirdly, you could replace the guys in
porn with pieces of plywood that have strap-ons
attached to them, and there wouldn't be much
difference.

(And speaking of the guys, what the hell is with most
of you needing to jerk off to come? Here you are,
having sex with women that most guys would give their
non-masturbating arms to fuck, and they can't even get
you off? That just seems wrong somehow.)

4) Recycled footage: How fucking dumb do you think we
are? If you take the same 90-second loop of footage
and use it two, three, or even four times during one
scene - news flash! - we can tell, you idiots!

5) Outside shots: Sorry, but your directors need to
learn the concept of light and shadow, because when
you do a shitty job of dealing with light, all the
shadow means that you can't see a damned thing. And I
know it's outside and there are billions of insects
out there, but seeing those little black flies or
gnats flying around while trying to watch some
cunnilingus is really a turnoff.

6) Anal: Look, porn, if I were into watching the gay
version of you, I'd understand this. Guys not only
have the nerve endings in the asshole itself, we have
the prostate too, so it makes sense. But women? All
they have is the nerve endings way down at the end,
and with the amount of testimonials I've heard from
real women who swear against it, why do you perpetuate
this myth that women like taking it up the ass? Not
only that, but when a girl sucks a cock after it's
been up her ass, I don't feel like jerking off, I feel
like cringing. What does one have to do to make that
sanitary, give her a pre-fuck bleach enema?


Direction aside, there's all sorts of other stuff that
stinks about you, porn. For every decent boob job,
there's six girls who have obvious scars and stretch
marks or look like they've had a pair of
cantaloupe-sized lumps of Silly Putty stuck to their
chests. For every Chasey Lain, there's three
skanky-looking girls you wouldn't screw even if you
were falling-down drunk. For every ten seconds' worth
of actually arousing imagery, there's twenty minutes
of uninspriring tedium. And worst of all, for every
hour that I've spent watching you, downloading you,
sneaking around my parents' house looking for you, and
thinking about you in general, there's an hour that I
could have spent been doing something else a million
times more worthwhile.

You suck, porn. See you tonight.

Sincerely,
-Lifetime Porn Watcher #10,495,102,867


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